Diamond Blog

The following is courtosy of an email joke from a good friend. Thanks Kristina and yes I think that Max and Alexis enjoyed this.

EXCERPTS FROM THE DOG'S DAILY DIARY
8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

EXCERPTS FROM THE CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 283 Of My Captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit upon their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my vantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

Now this is not a personal experience, but I think most women have had an incounter with waxing on some level. I just for this as an email and had to pass it along.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours. Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax ... you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girlie, girl but I am mechanically inclined enough I can figure it out. YA THINK!!!

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my ass. (Oh how this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheena, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the wax strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my ass cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself.

RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. SHIT!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy --- my wax covered pelt that has caused me so much pain. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip but there is no hair on it. Where is the wax??? Slowly I eased my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair ... The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. SHIT!! I peel my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair and then make the next big mistake ... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet .. I know need to move to do something. So I put my foot down and then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Ass?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "I hope I don't get the urge to shit. My head may pop off. Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right??? WRONG I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than what is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now the only thing worse that having your business glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub ... In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax. So now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!

I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter ... "So, my ass and cooter are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where is the wax on the ass. "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by now ... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH, right!! I could be the joke of some one else's night. While we go through various solutions, I result in scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!

I then find the most beautiful saving grace ... that is the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. I rub some on and scream "IT works!! It works!!I I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my dismay ... The hair is still there ... ALL of it. So I shaved the shit off. Hell, I'm numb at this point. Then I put the wax back in the medicine cabinet, I may have a mustache that needs work someday.

Next week I'm going to try hair color ...

Some people are like Slinkies...

Not really good for anything, but they still bring a
smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Ok, so I got to get litter. Why because the goddam cats go thru it like its water, anyway. I get this new multi cat clumping stuff and I walk up to the till. I give her my debt card, I know it works as I just used it at the grocery store and it’s new.

Cashier: Swipes it fast
Machine: BEEP
Cashier: Swipe again
Machine: BEEP
Cashier: Swipe… Swipe…………… Swipe… Swipe
Machine: BEEP… BEEP…………… BEEP…BEEP
Brain: oh ffs
Me: I know it works its new and I just used it
Cashier: Swipe… Swipe
Machine: BEEP… BEEP
Brain: try swiping it slower, as she is doing it at warp speed
Cashier: scrapes my new card on the bottom of her shoe then retries........ Swipe…. Swipe…. Swipe
Machine: BEEP…. BEEP…. BEEP
Cashier: I think I will call someone
Brain: no shit but at this place nobody answers pages, I have had pictures of my new kitten (Alexis) I still have to pick up and she is now over a year old.
Me: taps fingers on the counter, looking awkwardly at the now LARGE line behind me

Now you might be asking why I did not just go.... well note above the cats and the water use of litter. Anyway, the people behind me say they have cash and they are in a rush. I say go ahead, I can wait. There is still nobody answering the page.

After the other people’s cash transaction is done the cashier goes back to me. This time the manager is there and has click some all important buttons to get the machine working

Cashier: Swipe
Brain: eureka!
Me: I type in all the things I need to and wait..... Wait…… wait, grab the keypad again and the display is blank, I then say I don’t think this is working
Cashier: oh really, grabs the keypad mumbles something about interact being down all day and looks at the main machine, then states that it saying it sending

Machine: waits a little longer and prints out a sheet

Me: it timed out
Cashier: hmmm, let’s see.... I dunno
Brain: I can bloody see from here that it times out
Cashier: pages manager back as he has disappeared, TYPICAL!!!

Second Cashier: looks over and says maybe I can help you over here, she is only on because the line behind me was getting long and she has helps everyone in this time

Me: walks over there gives my point’s card and the debt and it goes on the first try.

ARGH!!!!!!

Like I said too stupid to cashier

Now some people that read other blogs will say that this style is similar to a popular Polar blog. Well a) I felt it was the only way that it could be effectively told and b) people obviously like it so if you can’t beat them join them

Footnote: the ordeal in the store took about 15 mins that I will never get back plus the time it took to blog...lol

Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called "pygg". When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as "pygg banks." When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches, while pennies and nickels do not?
A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.

Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

Q: Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called "passing the buck"?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would "pass the buck" to the next player.

Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would then just touch or clink the host's glass with his own.

Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be "in the limelight"?
A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, performers on stage "in the limelight" were seen by the audience to be the center of attention.

Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use "mayday"as their call for help?
A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning "help me" -- and is pronounced "mayday."

Q: Why is someone who is feeling great "on cloud nine"?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called "love"?
A: In France, where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on scoreboard looked like an egg and was called "l'oeuf," which is French for "egg." When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans pronounced it "love."

Q: In golf, where did the term "Caddie" come from?
A. When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl (for education &survival), Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot game "golf." So he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into "caddie."

So now you know!